Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
