my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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