Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
