guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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