i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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