I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
