I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
