i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
