i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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