why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
