did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
