I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
