If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
