it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
