EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
