Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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