so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
