just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
