So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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