jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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