I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
