She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
