so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
