yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
