this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
