I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
