I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
