She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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