Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
