I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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