I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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