I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
