got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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