I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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