Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
