Can i not drive my cunt home
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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