great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
