I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
