I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
