I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
