On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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