He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We are two peas in an std pod
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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