I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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