Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
