I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
