I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
