I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize