I am midnight drunk by noon
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
