my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The uberlube is also flammable
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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