I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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