not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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