i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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