I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
