when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
