I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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