End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
