You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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