I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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