Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
