Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
